This or That? Blurbs

Fiction

During my short break from editing The Halley Branch I have been throwing around blurbs and right now am stuck.  Yes, I can be a bit indecisive at times.  Don’t worry, I will eventually decided between the different variations I’ve come up with, but I wanted to ask your opinion.

I have one, with some slight variations, that uses a “tag line”.  That’s a little line at the beginning of the blurb that sums it up.  For instance, all of my posts on The Fireborn start with “In the shadowy area where myth and history collide“.  It is on the back cover as part of the blurb using a different color font.

I am going to put up the original version of the blurb with the tag line, since this is as far from the other I will post as possible (I have some inbetweenies…)

An evil 300 years in the making.  A trap set 150 years ago.

An event in the Hawkins Mausoleum triggers repressed memories which forces Trevor to reevaluate everything.  Is his extended family a cult with roots going back to America’s colonial period?  Is the evil Benjamin Halley still stalking his tomb 150 years after his death?  Is there any truth to the Power described by the family’s patriarch, Miles Hawkins?

The deeper he explores, the more Trevor realizes that he is being manipulated and drawn into a trap set in the 19th century.  Worse yet, as events play out, he fears that everyone around him has already been ensnared.  Who can he trust?  The members of his own family’s Branch, The Bradfords, like his cousins Bill or Stan?  Perhaps members of the Hawkins Branch, such as the beautiful but jaded Amelie?  The one Branch he knows not to trust is the extinct Halley Branch.

But the Halleys are the ones who are welcoming him with open, if dead, arms.

So, what did you think?  For the one below I can still use the tag line, but I don’t think it would fit on the back cover.

Trevor started his day with the vision of a girl laid out in a crypt.  Shrugging it off, he visits the Hawkins’ Mausoleum for a “family day”.

But when he rescues a girl trapped in the tomb, repressed memories force him to reevaluate everything. Is his extended family a cult with roots going back to America’s colonial period?  Is the evil Benjamin Halley still stalking his tomb 150 years after his death?  Is there any truth to the Power described by the family’s patriarch, Miles Hawkins?

Trevor realizes that he is being manipulated and drawn into a trap set in the 19th century, and fears that everyone around him has already been ensnared.  Who can he trust?  The members of his own family’s Branch, The Bradfords, like his cousins Bill or Stan?  Perhaps members of the Hawkins Branch, such as the beautiful but jaded Amelie?  The one Branch he knows not to trust is the extinct Halley Branch.

But the Halleys are the ones who are welcoming him with open, if dead, arms.

How about that one?  I think the beginning is more intriguing.  What do you think?

Of course I can take some of the second and incorporate it into the first, such as the more concise version of the second to last paragraph about being drawn into a trap.  The big difference I want to talk about is opening with the vision or skipping it and using the tag line on the book cover.  What do you think?

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Note – the image has nothing to do with this book, but since I don’t have a finished cover yet…

8 thoughts on “This or That? Blurbs

  1. Marilyn Armstrong

    Leave it alone for a few days. Don’t think about it or look at it. Reconsider it from scratch. It needs editing, but I suspect you need to distance yourself from it before you can do it properly. Too wordy. Too many sub-clauses. Too many complex sentences and you are trying to say too much in a small space. I am sure you can do it, but step back. Read someone else’s book for a couple of days. THEN go back to it.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. trentpmcd Post author

      They both have that last line about the Halley’s being the most welcoming, but only the first has about the evil 300 etc. I’ll take a guess from what you said, though – you like the second one, that starts with a vision of the girl in a tomb?

      Thanks!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
        1. trentpmcd Post author

          Thanks Colleen. That’s what I thought. Also, I was wrong and I can have the second and fit the tag line (“An evil…”) on the book cover, so may go that direction.

          Like

          Reply

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