A spark of color entered the big sky, spinning lights, whirling and flashing as the object approached. The rotation slowed and stopped as the large disk hovered above me. The lights dimmed, revealing the silver craft. It slowly descended in front of me on a small tongue of flame. Large insect legs sprouted from nowhere to cushion the landing. A ramp extended out towards me. The silver above the ramp dissolved into an opening. Three short creatures descended the ramp. The silver of their outfits contrasted with the dark green of their skin.
“Take us to your leader!” the front alien said. His antennae pointed at me.
“You’re joking, right?” I asked.
The front alien stood stiffly upright, as if slapped. “What?”
“Are you like a bunch of kids taking their parent’s flying saucer out for a spin or something?” I asked.
“You do not seem to understand the seriousness of your situation,” the alien said.
“Quick question, how do you know my language?” I asked.
“We’ve been monitoring your transmissions for years. Now, back to business, take us to your leader! That was not a request, but a demand.” He leaned forward again, trying to look menacing.
“Oh, come on! What leader do you expect me to take you to? The minister of my church? The mayor of my small town? Give me a break! If you’ve been listening to our transmissions for so long I’m sure you realize that nowhere Montana is a long way geographically and an even longer way philosophically from Washington DC! Don’t tell me that after traveling 27 light years…”
“OK, after traveling 32 light years without a glitch you can’t find your way to DC? I can’t understand how you’d get so lost! Tell me, are you going to send your invasion fleet in against a bunch of sheep farmers and cattle ranchers? You think I can just take out my phone and call the president?”
“Uhm, well, you see, uhm..”
“That’s what I thought. Come on, I’m just some yokel with sheep dung on the bottom of my work boots and I can think circles around you. Right. And here you come, all mighty with your ‘take me to your leader’ routine.”
“If you put it that way,,,”
“Why don’t you just go home? Maybe do a little homework or whatever. I mean come on, haven’t you invaded anyone before?”
“Well, actually, you’d be the first and…”
“Shut up Asprixdilz! Sorry Earth creature, he doesn’t know what he’s saying. We come in peace.”
“Yeah, that’s right, we come in peace,” said Aspirixdilz.
“Yeah, peace,” the third alien sad, then giggled.
“Now look, kids,” I said, “you’ve all had your fun and games with this silly invasion stuff. Ha ha, see I’m laughing. It was pretty funny. I mean, you actually ask me, a hick out in the mountains, to introduce you to the President or take you to the UN? Uhm, that’s in New York, you know.”
‘New York? Oh, uhm, yes, of course, we know that!”
“Anyway, it was funny, trying to scare some poor, uneducated simpleton, but play time is over. ‘Take me to your leader’! Ha! That is so clichéd to not even really be funny anymore. And seriously? Little green men in a flying saucer? I’d be the laughing stock of my village if I mentioned you. Do your research! If you want to scare somebody, come back in a three mile long battle cruiser. Watch Star Wars and see what I’m talking about. You might have gotten a better reaction from me. But this silly joke? As pranks go, this wasn’t even very funny.”
Aspirixdilz pulled himself up to all of his two and half feet, stared and me, then drooped his shoulders.
“It’s no use. We might as well leave,” he said. “Yeah, OK, haha, sorry if the joke didn’t come out right. Come on, let’s go.”
The three aliens climbed back up the ramp, which followed them into the ship. The entrance sealed itself as if it never existed. The ship slowly rose, the insect legs folding into it then disappearing. When it was a few hundred feet up the twirling lights started again. In a silent flash the ship zipped straight up out of the atmosphere.
I watched the empty sky for a few minutes then pulled my cell phone out.
“Hello, Mr. President? They’re gone. Yes sir. Yes, gone home sir, shamed. They’re calling off the invasion. Thank you Mr. President. You too.”