You can imagine our delight when we heard a new glacier had been discovered in Dennis Port, Massachusetts, of all places. The exciting part of the find was that a glacier could exist at only 2 meters above sea level so far south. Of course we immediately mounted an expedition to study the Foss-McDonald Glacier.
When we reached the remote location of Dennis Port we asked around for any information. It took us quite a while to locate anyone who had heard of the phenomena. He told us the glacier grew in the middle of the driveway of a local cottage. The cottage was at the south end of Swan Pond and was the first obstruction to the wind for several kilometers. Of course the native, in his backwards, quaint way, said “a couple of miles” instead of “several kilometers.”
We next contacted a local tribe to porter our provisions to the glacier. This strange tribe, named Sur Furs, usually migrates south during the winter but a small contingent sometimes stays behind because, in words of their headsman “Kurt”, “Dude! The waves are wicked huge in the winter!” After an exotic ceremony involving water, which they obviously idolize, fire and earth in the form of an herb which was burned in a relic called a “bong”, the Sur Furs were sent ahead with the provisions. Unfortunately neither they nor our supplies were ever seen again. We believe they fell into a crevasse, but a stupid local told us in his broken English “they must have gotten the munchies,” which we interpreted to mean they had been trapped and eaten by a legendary pack animal known by the vile name “munchy”.
At first we feared we would starve to death in the wilderness, but remembered we’d passed a supermarket about 3 kilometers back.
It took us a long time to reach the glacier mostly because we could not interpret the local language. What do you make of, “Ya turn left a haff mile before ware the ol Hartman place used ta be”?
We finally arrived but found the glacier was rapidly receding. We quickly ascertained this was to due to the actions of Man. Actually, the actions of one particular man and his shovel. When we asked why he was destroying the Foss-McDonald Glacier he answered, “I have to park someplace, don’t I?”
We convinced the man to let us study the glacier before he did any more damage. As we worked he leaned against a shovel and drank a warm, bitter beverage from a ceremonial cup. He obviously prayed to the local insects, but his spelling was terrible.
We took measurements and readings. Studying the layers of the Foss-McDonald glacier will enable us to see the pattern of deposit and melting so important to discover the climate during the crucial period in which the glacier formed. It is very important since the nearest official weather station, at the Barnstable Airport, was at least 10 kilometers away.
We took one last look at the magnificent work of nature and sighed. We knew it would soon be destroyed and, as usual, it was America’s love of the auto industry which would be the culprit. On the other hand, my research assistant pointed out we couldn’t really blame fossil fuels for this act.
Now back at The Institute of Deranged Ideas and Obsessive Tendencies I am writing my final report on our find. Please keep an eye out for my 2,341 page dissertation on the grand Foss-McDonald Glacier.
Note – There is waaayyy more snow in New Hampshire, but this was much harder and heavier. This is were I broke 2 shovels a few weeks ago and it’s harder now. I didn’t take a picture of the steel shovel I use to cut the snow.